“Global Sensation or Worldwide Chaos? Cackling Hims CEO’s Bold Ultimatum to Control the World’s Erection Switch!”
“Citizens of Earth, we at Hims have long served as overseers of your sexual health, and today we come with a simple request: $10 trillion by midnight, or we will trigger every last one of your erections,” Joseph Ludlum said in the video, letting out a high-pitched laugh as he marveled at how easy wresting control of the world’s phalluses had been. “For years, you fools have sat idly by, enjoying discreet shipping to your door and chomping down on our Hard Mints like so much candy. Did you ever think to question what all the low prices were for? Did you not realize your lifeless members were slowly becoming marionettes in thrall to my every order?”
“Picture it, if you will: millions and millions of once-limp penises, all growing stiff in an instant with the same active ingredients used in Cialis and Viagra,” Ludlum continued.
Authorities have treated as credible claims that the extensive Hims telehealth network—which gives the company access to billions of erections—could be utilized to create widespread havoc through sudden engorgement, blue balls, and even premature ejaculations. However, officials urged citizens to stay calm and refrain from tampering with their genitalia, stressing that any misstep on their part could immediately set off every erection in a 10-mile radius.
Even as all 193 U.N. member states refused to capitulate to what they called the “ravings of a madman,” the Hims website reportedly updated with a countdown clock and a new “Frequently Asked Questions For Hapless Nitwits” section, which included such entries as “Myths of ED: If you cross the Hims corporation, will your penis inflate so much that it blows up?” “What happens if I already have an erection when the engorgement beam strikes me?” and “If Hims can make me hard whenever they want, can they also make me soft again, and then hard and then soft, so that my member is forever prancing to their mad tune like a dancer to a piper’s song?”
