“Global Sensation or Worldwide Chaos? Cackling Hims CEO’s Bold Ultimatum to Control the World’s Erection Switch!”
Reports confirmed that each passing minute since the broadcast has brought mounting terror among untold numbers of men who have grown paralyzed with fear at the prospect of losing control of their own genitals, which could become distended with blood and potentially never go flaccid again—a scenario that the Hims executive described in a taunting follow-up warning.
“Can your puny governments not comprehend the consequences of such mass penis-hardening?” Ludlum said in a second video. “Mayhem in the street. Cars driving off roads. Entire city blocks left in ruin. Do you fools dare defy our warnings? Well, then, perhaps a little taste of our stiffening power will show you how serious we truly are.”
“Now, come, my soft little pretties, and rise up for your master’s commands!” he added, throwing a switch that began crackling with electricity as it sent a wave of engorgement through the atmosphere of the Northeastern United States.
With widespread disorder spreading across the region, officials in New York and Boston confirmed boardrooms descended into panicked chaos, planes stalled on runways, and men stared at their penises while screaming in response to the sudden unimaginable rigidity entering their loins. The Centers for Disease Control confirmed that over 12,000 residents were hospitalized with erections that lasted longer than four hours.
The Hims CEO later issued a press release that simply read, “Tick-tock, tick-tock, dear friends,” before signing off as “the Puppetmaster of Phalluses.”
