Heaven’s Last Straw: Why a Colossal Glass Suddenly Traps All of Humanity

Ever had one of those days where the universe feels like it’s looking down on you and thinking, “Ugh, not again”? Well, humanity just got literally glassed by the man upstairs—imagine God, the omnipotent deity, peering at us through a 70-million-foot-tall tumbler like we’re a particularly unruly ant farm He forgot under his celestial bed. I mean, where do you even buy a glass that big? Is there a divine IKEA? The image of the Almighty gagging over Earth’s “moist” bipedal swarm? Priceless . It really makes you wonder—if we’re made in His image, did He accidentally invent his own worst phobia? If the earth suddenly develops condensation, I’ll be the first to blame heavenly nerves. There’s always something endearingly tragic (not to mention, SEO gold) about picturing humanity as a gross-out experiment gone awry, desperately scurrying as God arms himself with an ancient scroll and a paper plate to stop us from leaking into the rest of creation . But hey, maybe we’ve finally proven we’re too persistent for even a deity to ignore—or exterminate . Ready for the ultimate celestial exterminator tale? LEARN MORE

THE HEAVENS—Moments after spotting hordes of the minuscule creatures skittering across the face of the earth, the Lord, Our Holy Father, reportedly became disgusted Thursday and placed a giant overturned glass atop humanity. 

Heavenly sources confirmed the Almighty cursed in surprise when He first spotted the massive swarm of human beings crawling through Creation, but He soon scrambled to overturn a 70-million-foot-tall drinking vessel and contain the planet’s infestation, trapping the enormous mass of 8.1 billion squirming pests inside.

“Gross, gross, gross, they’re getting all over the place!” said the visibly nauseated deity, who after a short search around His Kingdom retrieved a 10,000-mile-wide paper plate He could slide beneath the glass to ensure the scampering throngs didn’t escape. “Ugh, I hate the twitchy way they move. And the tiny hairs all over their bodies. Plus, they’re always kind of moist. Totally creeps me out.”

“Seriously, I might puke just looking at them,” the Lord continued.

According to witnesses, God discovered the human colony late at night after turning over a cloud in heaven’s sanctum sanctorum to find billions of the creatures writhing on the planet below. Several reports confirmed that after trapping humanity, the Almighty Creator exhibited a wide range of coping responses that included wincing in stunned silence as He gazed at the humans from afar, audibly gagging at the sight of saliva dripping from their jaws, and even shouting “Get out! get out!” at the tiny noncomprehending beings for over a minute.

Though he momentarily regained His composure by taking some deep breaths, the Lord is said to have fallen into a fit of dry-heaving after He spotted several humans in Central Europe expelling bodily fluids as they copulated. After recovering once more, He was seen rolling up an ancient scroll and approaching the glass with the papyrus brandished in His Divine Hand.

“If I let them out they’ll infest all of Creation—they breed like crazy,” said He Who Divided the Heavens and Earth, tapping on the side of the glass as several million inhabitants of the North American continent scurried helplessly away inside the cup. “I used to think the ethical thing was to release them, but they always seem to find their way back to me. Then they get into my shit and start eating through everything in sight. Plus, they stink up the place.”  

Official records confirmed this is far from the first time the Eternal One has struggled with a human incursion. Once, as a younger deity, the Lord reportedly placed a pair in His garden, gave them fruits and herbs, and even named them, only to grow bored after several months. When He remembered them several years later, Our Heavenly Father was frustrated to discover an out-of-control population scuttling all over the globe.

Since then, God is believed to have grown far more impatient with humanity’s tendency to decimate forests, contaminate food supplies, and spread disease. A small number is enough to send Him stomping on the fleeing beings, and sources said on one occasion He leapt onto His Heavenly Throne and refused to get down until the Holy Ghost exterminated them.

“You can smite a few of these fuckers, but there will always be more on their way,” said the Almighty, grimacing as the appearance of His Eternal Face outside the glass sent huge quantities of the miniscule beings scattering for cover in South America. “You can set them on fire, crush them, even throw them out into space—they always bounce back and start breeding like nothing happened. Maybe I’ll just put a bunch of water in there and see if they drown.”

“Although, that’s never worked before,” the Creator of All Things added.

At press time, God was seen spraying a massive bottle of Axe Body Spray over the entirety of Creation in a final attempt to wipe out the human infestation once and for all.