Hummingbird’s Shocking Discovery Leaves It Questioning Everything About Flight

Ever stared out your window, spotted a hummingbird spazzing around a feeder like it’s trying to win Olympic gold, and wondered, “Why are they working so hard when hawks just float around like lazy geniuses?” Seriously, I feel for this little feathered overachiever. One minute, you’re minding your own beeswax—beating your wings faster than the average blender—the next, you witness a raptor on a casual gliding cruise, and suddenly, your life choices (and metabolic rate) seem… questionable . And let’s talk about envy! I mean, who hasn’t, at least once, envied someone coasting effortlessly while you’re out here burning calories just remembering your WiFi password? This latest piece dives headfirst into the existential dread of our favorite high-energy nectar addict, asking the real question: Is there a lesson hiding in all this ridiculous flapping? If you need a laugh with your midlife crisis, you’re in the right spot. LEARN MORE

SPRINGDALE, UT—Beating himself up over a lifetime of wasted energy, a local hummingbird confirmed Tuesday that he felt like a huge fucking idiot after he saw a hawk gliding above him with close to no effort all. “What the hell am I doing continuously flitting around like a complete maniac?” said the male hummingbird, adding that his life would be so much easier if he simply let an air current carry him hundreds of miles and barely moved his goddamn wings at all. “Fuck, I feel so stupid. I wouldn’t need to eat so much nectar if I wasn’t beating my wings 80 times per second like a total dipshit. Ugh!! Why didn’t any of you assholes tell me about thermal drafts?” The utterly humiliated bird was later spotted attempting to gulp a whole fish out of water before he realized his tiny shitty beak was only good for lapping up nectar.