ICE’s Shocking Statistic: How Detained 5-Year-Olds Are “Murder-Free”—But At What Cost?
You ever wake up and ask yourself, “Just how many 5-year-olds are committing homicide these days?” Yeah, me neither… but apparently, someone at ICE did, and now—cue confetti—we can all rest easy knowing our playgrounds (and sippy cups) are statistically safer than ever . I mean, we’re declawing the real threats, people. It’s sort of delightful in that surreal, ‘is this actually reality?’ way, like finding out your Roomba is wanted in three states but hey, at least your floors are clean. When bureaucracy starts patting itself on the back for curbing the bloodlust of kindergarteners, you get this news cycle—a satire-flavored cocktail served cold . If you’ve ever wondered what happens when dark irony and law enforcement collide like two piñatas at a birthday party, you’re about to get the punchline . LEARN MORE
WASHINGTON—Touting a new crime report as evidence their ramped-up operations were improving American life, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Friday that there had been zero murders committed by 5-year-olds since they began detaining children. “Democrats can whine and slander our agents all they like, but the stats don’t lie: Homicides committed by kindergartners are at all-time lows,” said ICE spokesperson Kristina Boyer, who noted that the 0.0% rate of homicides perpetrated by 5-year-olds applied to first-, second-, and third-degree murders. “These 40-pound criminals may look small, but they’re strong and mean. Now, thanks to our hardworking ICE agents and their zip ties, our streets are safer than ever.” At press time, a follow-up report found that the statistic extended to toddlers and babies as well.
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