Inside Sabrina Carpenter’s Shocking State-Ordered Surgery: What Really Happened Behind Closed Doors?

Ever find yourself wondering just how far society will go to keep its pop stars under control? Me neither—at least, not until I heard about Sabrina Carpenter’s latest headline-making escapade . There I was, halfway through my morning coffee, when the news dropped: the state lobotomized one of America’s sweetest crooners, all in the name of taming “medically diagnosed nymphomania.” Welcome to Los Angeles, where a simple gurney ride and a neurosurgeon with an ice pick are apparently all it takes to, you know, “fix” those terribly scandalous urges . Is this what they meant by the “Hollywood treatment,” or is this just another bizarre episode in the ongoing drama that is celebrity culture? Maybe I should’ve stuck to writing about SEO hacks instead, but honestly, how can I look away? Curiosity piqued? Yeah… me too. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/SabrinaCarpenterUndergoesNIBG_PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE

LOS ANGELES—Confirming that doctors had performed the procedure successfully, sources reported Friday that Sabrina Carpenter had undergone a state-mandated lobotomy to cure her medically diagnosed nymphomania. According to eyewitnesses, the 26-year-old artist arrived at a state mental hospital early this morning strapped to a gurney so that she could not act on her depraved sexual thoughts. Several reports indicated that Carpenter muttered “Hor…hor…horny” as an anesthesiologist secured a breathing mask over her head and a neurosurgeon brandishing an ice-pick-like instrument prepared to insert the tool into her frontal lobe in compliance with a court order issued by a California judge. At press time, a doctor was reportedly standing by the singer’s bedside asking if she still felt like man’s best friend.