Inside the White House’s Secret Strategy to Solve America’s Birth Rate Crisis

Is it just me, or did you also wake up one morning, sip your coffee, and think, “Wow, what on Earth are we going to do about America’s plummeting birth rate?” Well, worry no more—the Trump administration is (apparently) on the case, and their list of potential baby-boosting policies is… let’s say, less ‘policy wonk’ and more ‘board game fever dream meets reality TV pitch.’ I mean, if Monopoly pieces inside baby formula containers, airdropping rose petals over suburbia, or the wild prospect of “mandatory twins” won’t get you in the mood, what will? Don’t even get me started on the “strategic oyster reserves.” Somehow, I can’t decide if we should laugh, cry, or just barricade ourselves every time someone mentions mailing out feather boas as family planning. Can a single YouTube-aspiring newborn save us all? Find out as I dive into these truly remarkable, possibly tongue-in-cheek White House suggestions—because apparently, the path to national prosperity is paved with game tokens and… strategic seafood. LEARN MORE.The Trump administration is considering proposals that would help reverse the nation’s declining birth rate. Here are the White House’s ideas for encouraging women to have more babies.

Monopoly game pieces on every container of Enfamil sold

Increase American manufacturing of fertility statues

Air-drop rose petals over residential areas

Mandatory twins

Remind Americans that every child is a potential YouTube star

Release the strategic oyster reserves

Award all pregnant women 60 seconds in the booth to grab flying taxpayer dollars