Is Biden Secretly Weighing a Shocking Successor Amid Cancer Crisis?

If only fighting aggressive cancer could be as easy as switching candidates mid-election, right? Reading about the latest saga surrounding former President Joe Biden’s diagnosis, I can’t help but laugh at the thought: since when did battling metastatic prostate cancer morph into a relay race for Democratic hopefuls? Is it just me, or does it feel like even the tumors are polling better than some politicians these days? There’s this odd, almost Shakespearean energy in the air—will it be Newsom, Shapiro, Buttigieg, or maybe Whitmer who gets to stare down the biopsy results with steely nerves and a perfect campaign smile? My heart’s torn between empathy and the absurdity of politics treating every crisis as an audition. Honestly, watching strategists scramble to nominate the perfect “cancer-fighting” figurehead gives the phrase “battle for the White House” a bizarre new meaning . Curious to see how this peculiar twist unfolds? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/BidenFacingMounting-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE

WASHINGTON—After a stunning admission that he’d been diagnosed with a highly aggressive form of the disease, former President Joe Biden reportedly faced mounting pressure on Monday to let a younger Democrat battle cancer. “Given the current landscape, we think a more youthful, energetic leader would be much better suited to fighting this deadly kind of metastatic prostate cancer,” said Democratic strategist James Carville, adding that while there likely wasn’t much time to pivot this late in the disease’s cycle, there were still several prominent politicians ready to step up and win. “Right now I think that Gavin Newsom, Josh Shapiro, and Pete Buttigieg are more than ready to take on a cancer with a Gleason score of 9. There’s even buzz about Gretchen Whitmer throwing her hat in the ring. Frankly, it’d send a very powerful message to Republicans if a female governor from a battleground state like Michigan overcame this terrible illness.” At press time, many Democrats had reportedly placed their support in the tumor, with internal projections showing that it was polling 10 points ahead of a generic Democratic candidate.