“Is Your New Year’s Resolution a Setup? Gym’s Sneaky Equipment Will Leave You Guessing!”

Picture this: you’re all fired up to dive into your New Year’s resolution at Verve Fitness, sweaty dreams of six-pack abs dancing in your head. But instead of the usual treadmill or bike, you’re greeted by a bizarre contraption that looks like it belongs in a Rube Goldberg machine! Cackles of glee erupt from the staff as they watch the confusion unfold. “Good luck getting back in shape, idiots—you’ll never figure out how to use all these pulleys!” they delightfully taunt, wielding changes that even the most seasoned gym-goer might find head-scratchingly complex. With illustrations replaced by a cartoonish, flailing man, it’s as if they’re daring folks to both sweat and laugh—a novel approach to fitness! Will those January joiners be left scratching their heads or will they embrace the chaos? One thing’s for sure; the hilarity at Verve Fitness has certainly ramped up. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/GymInstallsNIB_IHA-GR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

MINNEAPOLIS—Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. “Good luck getting back in shape, idiots—you’ll never figure out how to use all these pulleys,” said fitness director Kyle Cates, who showed off the newly renovated cardio floor where the team had removed all of the treadmills, bikes, and elliptical machines, and replaced the equipment with a baffling and intimidating workout station. “We also switched out all of the helpful step-by-step diagrams on the weight machines with a graphic of a man screaming and violently flailing his arms. These people won’t even be able to get the lockers opened. With any luck, they’ll have quit within the first 24 hours.” At press time, gym employees confirmed that to their dismay the new members were having the time of their lives thrashing around in a web of resistance bands.