Israel Announces Unexpected Shift in Military Tactics—What’s Behind the Slower Pace?
Can someone please explain to me when international diplomacy got replaced by what looks eerily similar to a dysfunctional office’s shared Google Calendar? Gaze at this photo—Netanyahu at a remarkably somber press conference, looking like he’s about to announce that bagels are being discontinued at staff meetings—while the world clings to every word about “historic ceasefires.” It’s almost surreal . I mean, is it just me, or does the phrase “killing on a less frequent basis” sound about as comforting as hearing that your apartment complex will only catch fire most weekends, not all of them? War, peace, somewhere in between—where’s the “take your genocidal foot off the gas” button, and why does it come up in negotiations? Suspended somewhere between despair and dark comedy, this Onion piece slices into the hypocrisy, the spin, and the grim circus of modern conflict like nobody else dares…Ready to get your ironic outrage on? LEARN MORE
CAIRO—As part of a historic ceasefire agreement with Hamas following two years of war, the Israeli government reportedly agreed Thursday to go back to killing Palestinians on a less frequent basis. “In line with the terms of the deal, Hamas will release all remaining Israeli hostages, and Israel will still murder innocent Palestinian civilians on a regular basis, but at a slightly slower pace than we have been of late,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, ratifying the accord that would temporarily promote the systematic discrimination, dehumanization, and persecution of the Palestinian people over their outright genocide. “Once the hostages are freed, we will dial down the attacks on Gaza hospitals, schools, and aid centers by roughly 10%, give or take. I have had my staff lay out a less rigorous schedule for committing atrocities, and in the down time, the IDF can always fall back on horrific maiming practices and general torture. It was a major concession on my part, but I have been convinced that it’s the only way to get our people home safe, and for Israel to continue committing human rights violations without consequence.” Netanyahu assured the rest of the world it would soon go back to never hearing about the routine slaughter of the Palestinian people, as opposed to barely hearing about it.
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