“Jalen Carter’s Bizarre Parade Escape: What Really Happened Behind the Float?”

In an unexpected twist that has the internet buzzing, Philadelphia Eagles’ star defensive tackle Jalen Carter found himself on the wrong side of a joyous Super Bowl celebration. Picture this: a parade float, exuberant fans, and a man dodging trouble all while driving at a blistering speed of… 15 mph. It’s the kind of scene that makes you think, “What could possibly go wrong?” Well, for Carter, the realization hit him as he hurriedly commandeered the float, filled with cheering teammates and an enthusiastic mascot. As the police trailed behind, his panic unfolded in real time—giving new meaning to “parade panic.” But hey, is escaping a parade really the most bizarre situational comedy we’ve seen after a championship win? Find out how this wild ride ended up making headlines—who knew celebrations could have such dramatic plot twists? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/02/JalenCarterFleesNIBIHA_GR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

PHILADELPHIA—Looking dead-eyed into the distance as it slowly dawned on him what he had done, a visibly distraught Jalen Carter reportedly fled the Eagles Super Bowl celebration Friday after commandeering a parade float. “Oh, goddamn it, move, move!” said the panicked 23-year-old defensive tackle, who frantically slammed his foot on the vehicle’s gas pedal and drove the green trailer filled with players, cheerleaders, and a dancing Eagles Mascot down the highway at its maximum speed of 15 mph. “Okay, Jalen, calm down. They can’t link you to anything. Plus, everyone is way too focused on your Super Bowl win. There’s no way I’m going down today. Over my dead body!” At press time, Carter could be heard using a megaphone to call his lawyer as the parade’s police float attempted to pull him over.