Kristi Noem’s Bold TSA Overhaul: The Surprising New Rules That Could Impact Every Traveler

Is it just me, or has airport security become a living episode of “Candid Camera”—minus the laughter? As the rumors swirl and Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem teases even more TSA updates, I can’t help but wonder: What’s next after banning shoe removal—politeness filters at the metal detector? One look at that all-knowing agent on the cover has me torn between pre-flight anxiety and the urge to burst out laughing. Somehow, the new rules manage to take “airport absurdity” to new altitudes: unpasteurized milk? Thank-you notes for white families? If you’ve ever worried about what exactly counts as an acceptable carry-on these days, buckle in—this wild ride through TSA’s latest brainstorm reads like an improv show with serious jet lag. Curious to see what security theater looks like with a wink and a nudge? LEARN MORE.

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has hinted that more changes are coming to TSA following the end of the agency’s shoe removal policy. Here is a selection of the new security rules coming to the nation’s airports:

Agents will personally thank white couples traveling with white children.

Mandatory ridiculing of bad driver’s license photos

Any quantity of unpasteurized milk is okay to bring through.

Muslim travelers must be placed in separate bins.

Quart-sized Ziploc bag limit for carry-on guns

Rather than walk through a body scanner, travelers may elect to simply describe their nipples in detail.

No wheelchairs.

Flotation devices injected directly into lips

Free family separation for international travelers