“Late-Night Mystery: Pete Buttigieg’s Midnight Return and the Curious Tire Tracks”
In a twist that reads like a plot straight out of a daytime soap opera, we find Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg attempting the not-so-smooth heist of sneaking into his D.C. apartment post-midnight—complete with tire tracks staining his collar! What could possibly be more scandalous than a covert rendezvous with a fancy car he didn’t want anyone to know about? As the clock struck twelve-thirty, Buttigieg’s husband, Chasten, didn’t hold back with the fiery accusations. Picture this: “Are you kidding me?”—a line worthy of a dramatic cliffhanger! Just when you thought Dinner with the Buttigiegs was a wholesome affair, it turns into a gripping ride of betrayal with automotive infidelity on full display. Was it just a “physical” attraction to that Mustang GT500, or are we looking at a deeper rift between two political powerhouses? Buckle up, folks—this scuffle over car-tire romance is bound to leave a mark!
WASHINGTON—Caught red-handed after a night on the town with a car he had been trying to keep secret, Pete Buttigieg attempted to sneak into his D.C. apartment at approximately 12:30 a.m. Friday, according to sources close to the transportation secretary and his spouse. “Are you fucking kidding me? First you don’t show up for dinner, and now you slink back here with some trollop of a Ford’s tire marks all over you?” said husband Chasten Buttigieg, who added that no, he would not calm down, considering that he didn’t even own a tire with treads that looked like that. “You told me I had nothing to worry about when I searched your phone and found photos of that convertible with its top off. Well, I guess I finally know what all those charges at AutoZone were for. Ugh, I can still smell its exhaust on you, you fucking pig.” At press time, the former South Bend, IN mayor had reportedly only gotten himself into more trouble after telling Chasten his attraction to the Mustang GT500 coupe was merely physical and that what had happened in that parking lot meant nothing to him.
The post Pete Buttigieg Sneaks In After Midnight With Tire Tracks On Collar appeared first on The Onion.
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