Local Man Discovers Bizarre Beer Strategy That Halves Effort, Doubles Curiosity

Ever stare into the abyss of your fridge, six-pack in hand, and wonder, “Is this adulthood, or just another Tuesday?” Because, honestly, if personal growth had a mascot, it might just look like a guy swapping his Miller Lite collection for a couple gigantic, novelty-sized cans and patting himself on the back . Look, I get it—cutting back is hard. But does it count if you’re just trading quantity for, well, quantity in disguise? Sometimes growing up just means upscaling the container, right? Somehow, this masterful strategy is exactly the “health journey” local legend Russell McGrath has embarked on—and let me tell you, it’s nothing short of genius . Is this what maturity really looks like, or have we all just been measuring in the wrong units? Take a stroll down this sudsy, calorie-dense path of wellness and see if swapping a six-pack for three tallboys is the breakthrough your heart—and your Instagram—has been waiting for . <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/ManCutsBackNIBIHAGR.jpg” target=”blank”>LEARN MORE

BRAINERD, MN—Admitting that it was finally time to grow up and start making healthy life choices, local man Russell McGrath told reporters Monday that he was cutting back from drinking six normal beers a day and would now just drink three huge ones. “While it may have been fine back in my 20s, drinking a whole six-pack just isn’t sustainable anymore, and honestly, three stovepipe cans is more than enough,” said McGrath, adding that on nights when he brings home beer from the craft brewery near his home, he has reduced his consumption to a single growler. “It’s about learning some self-control and actually caring about what I put in my body. Pounding a six-pack is fun, but now I enjoy a nice relaxing evening with just a few tall boys, and I feel a whole lot better the next morning. It was actually a real wake-up call when my doctor told me to cut back, and I was nervous, but swapping out all those cans of Miller High Life for a couple bombers of imperial stout has been way easier than I expected. It’s the best decision I could have made for my future. I’ve even convinced some of my buddies who were making fun of me to swap their six-packs for some 1.5-liter Belgian magnums, and they say they feel fucking incredible.” At press time, McGrath had reportedly realized he could be healthy without even having to track his drinking if he just switched from beer to wine.