Local Man’s Bizarre 20-Chicken Purchase Sparks Wild Speculation Among Friends

Ever wondered what happens when the world’s worst impulse buyer stares down a $12 carton of eggs and thinks, “You know what would really save me money? A backyard full of clucking chaos”? Yeah, me neither—until I read about Jared, a man with less animal husbandry experience than I have patience for captchas, but plenty of ambition to become a suburban poultry baron. There’s a magical optimism in someone willing to trade a grocery store run for 20 live chickens and the looming specter of bird flu, all because the math almost adds up in his head. Honestly, watching this saga unfold feels like SEO in 2005—jump in blind, regret nothing, and pray the Google gods don’t smite you . So buckle in with me as we witness this eggs-to-existential-crisis journey right from the top… LEARN MORE.

REDWOOD CITY, CA—Arguing that this was, in fact, the most responsible thing he could do given how expensive poultry products had become, your dumbest friend, 43-year-old Jared Welty, told reporters Friday he’d just bought 20 chickens. “Okay, so I read up on it, and I realized it would be completely crazy for me not to go online and buy a whole bunch of baby chicks,” said Welty, who despite having zero experience in animal husbandry, agriculture, or even raising basic house pets like cats or dogs, decided to dive headfirst into an idiotic plan to construct a chicken coop in his 300-square-foot backyard and fill it with an entire flock of hens. “Hear me out. One dozen eggs costs $12. But one chick costs $3. So for the cost of one dozen eggs, I get [a physically, mentally, and financially draining project that will ultimately ruin my life and make me wish I had never started it in the first place]. It’s a no-brainer!” Welty, who will reportedly contract bird flu from his chickens and die a slow, painful death, added that he was excited to be able to give eggs to all his friends.