“Local Man’s Quest for Emotional Escape Takes Delicious Turn with Another Slice of Pie”

What drives a man to relentlessly devour slice after slice of pie, seemingly in a quest for total numbness? Meet Maxwell DiLuzio, a 68-year-old Scottsdale resident whose determination defies the limits of both his stomach and sanity. As he raises his fork with robotic precision, blissfully marching toward catatonia, one can’t help but wonder: is there truly a fate worse than the empty bliss of a food coma? The curious case of DiLuzio unfolds as he battles both his inner dialogue and the inevitable regret of overindulgence—all for the simple desire to feel… absolutely nothing. Buckle up as we dive into this absurd yet oddly relatable tribute to culinary excess. If you’ve ever pushed your plate too far, you might just see a little bit of yourself in his dessert-driven madness. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/10/AreaManForgesAheadNIBIHAGR-R.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Sources marveled at the single-mindedness and robotic efficiency with which area man Maxwell DiLuzio raised and lowered his pastry-laden fork Thursday, reporting that nothing could deter the 68-year-old as he forged ahead in his pursuit of numbness with a third slice of pie. “I can still hear that voice in my head telling me to slow down, but I won’t let it stop me,” DiLuzio said as he doggedly lifted another bite of warmed-over crust and fruit filling to his mouth, deriving no pleasure from the act in his relentless determination to eliminate all feeling from his experience of the moment. “You can’t quit just because your stomach is getting full. You have to keep pushing it down until that nothingness coating your tongue radiates through every part of your body and mind and you become completely devoid of all awareness,” he continued. “With any luck, I’ll be catatonic after this. If not, I know I have what it takes to make it through a fourth slice.” With DiLuzio mere moments away from achieving his goal of total numbness, reports confirmed the modern-day Sisyphus was forced to start over again, having vomited the entirety of his progress onto the kitchen counter.