Local Mom’s Bizarre Diet Raises Chilling Questions—What Exactly Is ‘The Serial Killer’s Diet’?

Is it just me, or has diet culture finally fallen off the deep end? I mean—sure, we’ve all tried a grapefruit cleanse or watched someone spiral into a juice fast, but when duct tape starts showing up next to the kitchen scales, you know things have gotten unhinged . Ever thought your inner animal could help shed a couple of pounds… by channeling Dexter Morgan rather than a gym rat? Jennifer Kirkendall’s “serial killer diet” isn’t just cutting carbs—it’s plotting entirely new, and frankly alarming, meal plans . The question haunting my mind is: Is this the most chilling weight loss trend to hit suburbia, or just another symptom of America’s overachieving snack-avoidance? Feel the goosebumps? Or maybe that’s just me, nervously counting the rolls of plastic wrap in my pantry . If you’re brave enough, I dare you to LEARN MORE.

LAWTON, OK—Disturbed by the sudden appearance of duct tape, rope, and plastic sheeting in the kitchen, sources confirmed Wednesday that local mom Jennifer Kirkendall was trying something called “the serial killer diet.” “I’ve already lost four pounds just by focusing on my inner animalistic urge to kill instead of stuffing my face with empty calories,” said Kirkendall, noting that her ideal body weight was somewhere between Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy. “My sister heard about it online, and when I saw how gaunt her face looked, I had to give it a try. Before every meal, I make a journal entry outlining how I would murder and then dismember a drifter without getting caught. Plus, I do 30 minutes of stalking randos at the grocery store every other day, which burns a ton of calories.” Kirkendall added that she planned to quit the diet after reaching her goal weight because her newfound bloodlust was giving her horrifying nightmares.