Loyal Dog’s Mysterious Vigil: Why He Won’t Leave the Place His Owner Tragically Died

Have you ever wondered just how far a dog’s loyalty will stretch—or perhaps, snap? In a world where pets are celebrated for their bottomless devotion, leave it to The Onion to shine a devilishly hilarious light on the darker side of “man’s best friend.” When it comes to Biscuit, Minneapolis’s most infamous cocker spaniel, the line between unconditional love and razor-sharp teeth suddenly feels a little, well… bloody ambiguous. I’ll admit, the bizarre mix of heartbreak and horror here actually made me snort-laugh—should I be worried about my own dog eyeing me from across the room? If ever there were a case study in canine commitment gone spectacularly off the rails, this is it. If you’re curious (or slightly disturbed—don’t worry, me too), do yourself a favor and LEARN MORE.

MINNEAPOLIS—Moved by the animal’s unwavering devotion, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 4-year-old cocker spaniel Biscuit refused to move from the spot where he had killed his beloved owner. “What a unique bond they must have had,” said Janice Meyer, a neighbor of the deceased, explaining how the faithful dog had sat attentively on the blood-splattered carpeting ever since ripping out the throat of 32-year-old Edward Shauger. “Day or night, rain or shine, he’s there, gnawing on a piece of his owner’s face. Dogs really are special. It almost makes you want to cry.” Reached for comment, officials from the local coroner’s office confirmed they had given up on recovering the owner’s body.