Man’s Endless ‘Planet Of The Apes’ Rewatch Hides Troubling Secret He Can’t Face
Ever wonder if you’re maybe a little too committed to the binge-watching life—or if there’s something deeper lurking behind every sequel, reboot, and painfully long franchise marathon? Trust me, I do too . Imagine staring at your laptop as the credits to yet another Planet of the Apes film roll, but absolutely refusing to connect that gnawing emptiness to anything other than a slightly overcooked microwave burrito . Aaron Semple did just that—tearing through endless dystopian monkey mayhem with not even a flicker of self-awareness (or a bathroom break) to signal something was up . It’s almost poetic, isn’t it? Hassling your way through every version of Caesar, Zira, and those questionable Mark Wahlberg years, convinced this is peak self-care—while, surprise, surprise, sadness is sprawled right there next to the popcorn crumbs . Do you ever get that vibe where you’re proud of your perseverance… but also wonder if you’d notice if your life was quietly unraveling, one ape mask at a time? For all the tragicomedy and a side dish of existential crisis, dive into the full absurd spectacle at LEARN MORE.
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Despite ample opportunity for the troubling realization to occur to him in the long hours he spent staring at his laptop, sources reported Tuesday that local man Aaron Semple at no point recognized during his recent rewatching of every Planet Of The Apes film that he might, in fact, be depressed. “I thought it could be fun but also kind of a challenge to watch the whole series from start to finish,” said Semple, who reportedly failed to perceive the seriousness of his mood disorder even once as he binged the dystopian sci-fi franchise, including in the short breaks he took between installments when the concerning reality of his mental health had a better chance of surfacing. “Obviously, some of the older ones, aside from the very first, don’t quite hold up, and the Mark Wahlberg remake is pretty shaky. But the newer Ape movies are really good, and either way, I’m kind of proud I stuck it out. Yeah, I gotta say, all in all, it’s been a pretty awesome day.” At press time, reports confirmed Semple was on the verge of comprehending how deeply sad he was at all times when he discovered a Planet Of The Apes television series from 1974 that he still hadn’t checked out.
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