“Michelle Obama Drops a Bombshell: Why She’s Disappearing from the Spotlight for the Next Ten Years!”

In a world buzzing with constant events and social obligations, former First Lady Michelle Obama has decided to throw all that out the window—at least until 2030! That’s right, folks! In a stunning announcement made from her cozy Kalorama home, she declared she’s officially skipping the rest of the decade. I mean, who can blame her? Sometimes, it just feels fantastic to put on those sweatpants, crack open a good book, and embrace the art of doing absolutely nothing, right? With a snazzy Netflix deal in her back pocket to document this newfound “career” as a professional recluse, Obama demonstrated that sometimes the most revolutionary act is to simply say, “No, thanks!” So, if you’ve ever thought, “I could really use a break from all this chaos,” you’re not alone! Curious about what led her to this bold decision? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/MichelleObamaConfirmsNIBIHA_GR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Declining to attend any event or go anywhere at all until 2030, former first lady Michelle Obama confirmed  Thursday that she would be skipping the rest of the decade. “I’ve decided to just go ahead and excuse myself for the rest of the 2020s,” said Obama, speaking to reporters through an intercom by the front door of her home in D.C.’s historic Kalorama neighborhood. “If Barack wants to go to this or that event, he is of course free to do so—but me? Hell no. I can’t take another second of this shit. I won’t be making any appearances, public or private. No, no, no. Fuck that.” Reached for further comment, Obama acknowledged she had already inked a multimillion-dollar deal with Netflix to make a documentary about her life “sitting on [her] ass reading a book” for the next several years.