Mysterious Figure Immune to Advertising Emerges—Could They Be Humanity’s Last Hope Against Relentless Commercialism?

Ever met someone so immune to advertising that they claim banner blindness is their superpower? Well, apparently, the prophecy has been fulfilled—Dan Pearson, a regular Portland guy (or, as the legend goes, “He Who Has Been Foretold”), has ascended above the rest of us lowly brand-victims. As a digital marketer who’s spent decades cajoling clicks out of the most skeptical crowds, I’ll admit a pang of envy—and maybe a little existential dread—when I hear about a man impervious to sponcon and sneaker drops. Is Dan the last true free thinker, or just insufferably self-satisfied about his AdGuard subscription? Honestly, who among us hasn’t rolled their eyes at another Nike ad, only to realize they’re wearing the same shoes ten seconds later? Maybe humanity is actually ready for its non-commercial messiah… if he’d just stop recommending Brooklinen.

Curious how one man’s resistance to capitalism could topple the marketing-industrial complex? Prepare for spiritual enlightenment (or, at the very least, a good-natured eye roll) as you meet the mythical ad-blocking hero. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/AdvertisingDoesnt_Work-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

PORTLAND, OR—Preaching the virtues of breaking free from an oppressive system of mass brainwashing, local man Dan Pearson, the chosen one who will lead humanity out of its current dark age of commercialism, revealed Monday that advertising doesn’t work on him. “I actually do research online instead of just buying something because of some dumb ad,” said He Who Has Been Foretold, whose name will be celebrated for centuries as the man who finally saw through the deception of consumerism and led humanity into a golden age of free thought and spiritual nourishment. “I honestly don’t even remember most ads. I usually mute them so I can actually talk with Jen about what we’re watching. It’s so stupid that people tie up their whole identity in products just because Nike tells them its shoes will make them look cool. Honestly, sometimes the only thing an ad does is make me not want to buy a product. I actually use this thing called AdGuard that stops bots from tracking me online and completely blocks ads so I can just think for myself. I love that I’m screwing over these stupid companies. Instead of giving them my money, I just stick with high quality stuff like Brooklinen.” At press time, the all-seeing sage, who will be honored with statues around the world for freeing mankind from the shackles of corporate marketing, was telling onlookers that anyone who cares about celebrities is stupid.