Mysterious Struggles: Why Trump’s Body Double Can’t Perfect His Signature Leg Edema

Isn’t it just wild how, in a world where body doubles blend in with world leaders, the thing that gives you away isn’t the hair, the voice, or even your spray tan—no, it’s your ankles? I mean, really, imagine sweating bullets not over nuclear codes, but over whether your socks are puffy enough! As someone who’s made a career out of picking apart every last pixel and puff for SEO stardom, I feel for poor John Schade—trying to nail presidential edema with nothing but sodium, soggy socks, and the faint hope that baggy trousers do what genetics won’t. Makes me wonder, how far would I go for pixel-perfect authenticity—fifteen hours on a yoga ball, or just a marshmallow overdose with a side of self-doubt? Dive in and witness the swollen spectacle yourself: LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration with his inability to duplicate the president’s bulbousness caused by trapped fluid, body double John Schade was reportedly struggling Tuesday to get the appearance of Donald Trump’s leg edema just right. “One glance at my ankles and they’ll know something’s off,” said the presidential political decoy who bemoaned that there was only so much a person could do to increase their daily sodium intake, noting that he was already up to 6,000 milligrams a day with little visible effect on his limbs. “Secret Service told me it was only ‘mild swelling.’ Mild swelling, my ass. I’m wearing five pairs of wet socks, and it still looks weird. There’s only so much a baggy pair of pants can hide.” At press time, Schade had begun a strict regimen of sitting in front of a computer for 14 hours a day.