Mystery Deepens as 8th Grader Returns to School With Unbelievably Deep Voice

Ever wonder what would happen if puberty went completely off the rails, like your voice box tried out for the Vienna Boys’ Choir and wound up as Godzilla’s understudy? Well, buckle in, because there’s a kid in Dedham, Massachusetts who swanned into eighth grade with a vocal transformation so seismic it’s got blue whales somewhere in the Pacific taking notes. Honestly, who knew summer break could turn a squeaky “here” on roll call into a vocal event that rattles desks—quite literally? I can’t help but imagine the panic on Mrs. Jeterson’s face when the walls started vibrating like they owed the Alcorn family money. Maybe it’s jealousy, or maybe it’s just me picturing poor Ryan accidentally setting off the fire alarm every time he yawns. Anyway, if you’re in the mood for a good laugh—and trust me, you should be—dive into the wild saga of a voice drop so extreme, Mariah Carey’s dogs can finally relax. LEARN MORE

DEDHAM, MA—Remarking that the adolescent had undergone some pronounced developmental changes during the course of his vacation, middle school sources reported Tuesday that eighth grader Ryan Alcorn’s voice had dropped six octaves over the summer. According to eyewitnesses present in Mrs. Jeterson’s homeroom, Alcorn opened his mouth during classroom introductions to reveal that the high-pitched voice he had possessed just the previous spring had been replaced by a deep, basso profundo rumble that caused students’ desks to vibrate several inches across the floor as he spoke. The boy is said to have briefly summarized the events of his summer for his peers in a low-frequency register typically only encountered in blue whale vocalizations, with several cracks reportedly forming in the room’s painted cinder-block walls during an extended “uh” as he attempted to recall the name of a beach he had visited. Sources later confirmed the entire class had begun bleeding from the ears after Alcorn leaned back in his seat and let out a sonorous yawn.