Mystery Deepens: Elusive California Senator Remains Unaccounted For as FBI Intensifies Hunt

Ever find yourself nervously eyeing politicians in navy blue suits, wondering if they’re just a little too… eloquent? Or, say, worrying that your inbox will be bombarded by fundraising texts from fugitive senators with an unhealthy enthusiasm for debate? Yeah, me neither—until now. The FBI, with all the drama of a summer blockbuster and none of the popcorn, has officially sounded the alarm: a second “highly trained” California senator is on the loose, ready to assault eardrums with dissenting views and a penchant for sharp rhetoric. Just imagine, for a second—should we all be walking around with noise-canceling headphones, or does simply sticking our fingers in our ears work in a pinch? You can’t make this stuff up (except, well, when you do). If you’re itching for more eyebrow-raising details—and a truly epic composite sketch—don’t let this headline slip past your radar. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/FBIWarnsNIBGPH_77fb05.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the threat against Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem remained active and ongoing, the FBI issued a statement Friday warning that a second California senator was still at large. “While Alex Padilla has been safely taken into custody, we urge the public to be on the lookout for an additional, extremely dangerous senator from the same state who remains able to voice opinions if given the opportunity,” said an FBI spokesperson, who displayed a composite drawing of an older man in a navy blue suit and explained that the sketch had been based on eyewitness descriptions of the fugitive senator. “These types of politicians tend to work in pairs, and this individual should be considered highly trained in rhetoric and public speaking. Do not respond to any fundraising texts this person may send you. For as long as he continues to evade capture, we advise stuffing your fingers in your ears to keep yourself safe from his dissenting political views.” At press time, the FBI announced it had apprehended the at-large senator’s top aides to demand information on his whereabouts.