Nationwide Mystery: RFK Jr. Orders Every American to Consume Enigmatic Glowing Beverage

Ever stared at a glass of radioactive-looking liquid and thought, “Now that’s got to be good for me”? Neither have I, but apparently Robert F. Kennedy Jr. thinks America’s just not hydrated—or luminous—enough . There’s just something about a government mandate to chug neon-green mystery juice that makes me wonder if we’re all tragically starring in a low-budget reboot of ‘Ghostbusters’—except with less slime and more… questionable medical innovation . It’s not every day you see a new national health strategy that looks like it was cooked up in the back of a Spencer’s Gifts . Are we ready to gulp our way to wellness, or is this just another wild pivot in the long, strange saga of public health recommendations ? Believe me, you’ll want to know what’s glowing inside that bottle—because it sure isn’t FDA approval . Curious? LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Claiming the luminous potion would make the nation strong and vigorous, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued an order Friday directing all Americans to drink a mysterious glowing liquid. “In order to end the chronic disease epidemic in this country, it is imperative that every man, woman, and child take a large swig of this wondrous concoction,” said Kennedy, who held up a corked bottle emitting a bright, almost neon, green glow and explained that the eerie liquid would be added to municipal water sources to ensure the entire populace had access to it. “In the past, corrupt medical researchers have doubted the curative powers of my extraordinary and stimulating elixir, and government regulators have done everything in their power to stop people from ingesting it. But that ends now. Soon, every American will swallow this unique medical preparation, feel its intense burn upon the lining of their esophagus, and know its restorative properties are taking effect.” An independent chemical analysis later confirmed the mysterious glowing liquid was just ivermectin with a lot of green food coloring added.