Nationwide Program Promises Shocking Solution for Unused Eye Sockets—Are You Ready for the Macabre Makeover?
Have you ever wondered who’s looking out for the skeletal remains decaying quietly beneath our feet? Well, turns out, it’s the U.S. Secretary of the Macabre—yep, that’s actually a job now . Gazing at his photo, I found myself thinking: “He’s either about to launch a government program, or recite a haunting Edgar Allan Poe poem .” But here we are, in a world where federal funds and maggots join hands for the greater good . My immediate reaction? Equal parts disturbed and oddly impressed . $50 million for eye socket maggots? Sounds like the most creative use of taxpayer dollars since the Presidential Petting Zoo . Maybe tomorrow my inbox will have an offer to become Undersecretary of Oozing Mucus . Anyway, put aside your lunch because this new initiative is crawling with ideas literally out of the grave . LEARN MORE
WASHINGTON—In remarks delivered to the White House press corps, the U.S. Secretary of the Macabre unveiled a new departmental initiative Friday that aims to fill the nation’s empty eye sockets with federally funded maggots. “Making use of $50 million allocated by Congress under the Befouling of Our Remains Act, the Department of the Macabre will ensure every decaying American skull has maggots, worms, and leeches bursting forth from its eyeholes,” said Secretary Damien Grey, pausing briefly to watch a spider climb across the lectern before snatching it with his long, bony fingers and dropping it into his mouth. “No longer will we stand idly by while the skeletal remnants of our countrymen lay un-festering right here on U.S. soil. Whether it’s a ravenous housefly skittering across a cloudy eyeball or a centipede whose rear half enters one nostril as its front half exits the other, this historic program will make it possible for all rotting American flesh to be feasted upon by hideous, writhing creatures.” At press time, Beltway insiders confirmed a thick stream of black sludge was flowing from the secretary’s open mouth.
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