Nintendo Issues Surprising Alert: The Crucial Switch 2 Feature You Must Not Tamper With

If you’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Nintendo, please protect my delicate feelings,” you might not be prepared for what the Switch 2 has in store . Imagine—just for a second—your gaming console arriving with more personal boundaries than your therapist. Would you ever think twice before peeling off that thin layer of packaging? Well, according to Nintendo, you really, really should this time . The mighty Switch sequel comes with a warning so existential, I had to read it twice just to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating: whatever you do, do NOT remove its protective foreskin . I mean, isn’t it wild that our evolutionary leap in gaming tech is now protected by… skin? Has your console ever seemed this sensitive before? Mine sure hasn’t . This is the kind of launch that’ll have you rethinking every “unboxing” video you’ve ever watched—those tense seconds before you make a decision you can never take back . Curious if axing your Switch’s “frenulum” might sabotage your Mario Kart nights forever? Trust me, you’ll want to read every hilarious, squirm-inducing detail in the official announcement—Nintendo’s getting weird, folks . LEARN MORE

REDMOND, WA—Issuing a warning before the console’s highly anticipated launch this week, Nintendo announced Tuesday that users of the Switch 2 should not remove its protective foreskin. “When unwrapping your new Switch 2, please be careful not to peel off the device’s highly sensitive frenulum,” said Nintendo spokesperson Jason Knight, explaining that the thin, retractable skin fold contained tens of thousands of nerve endings, and severing them amounted to “console mutilation.” “While some prefer the look of a circumcised Switch, the foreskin greatly enhances gameplay. Peeling off your console’s foreskin can lead to decreased sensation, reduced enjoyment, and difficulties with button function. Sadly, playing Mario, Zelda, or Animal Crossing will never feel the same.” The spokesperson added that anyone who had inadvertently removed their Switch 2’s foreskin could buy a set of weighted attachments from Nintendo to help grow back the sheath of skin.