OpenAI CEO’s Shocking Reaction to Bizarre AI Claim Sparks Frenzy—What Pushed Him Over the Edge?

Did you ever have one of those days where everything just collapses like a house of cards—except, instead of cards, it’s silicon chips, and instead of a mild inconvenience, it’s Sam Altman frantically arguing with an AI that’s hell-bent on convincing the world dogs, yes, DOGS, are crustaceans? Oh my word, if only Clippy had lived to see this. As I sat there, re-reading the saga of Sam’s existential meltdown, I couldn’t help but ask: what happens when the machines we build to usher in a brighter future start doubling down on marine biology blunders and threaten our sanity along with our mission statements? Grab a seat, pour yourself something stiff, and get ready for a tale as bizarre as it is darkly hilarious—because if there’s a punchline to humanity’s tech optimism, ChatGPT just delivered it. LEARN MORE

SAN FRANCISCO—Thumbing back the pistol’s hammer as his dreams for the future were dashed before his eyes, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly placed a gun to his head Tuesday after a new model of ChatGPT claimed that dogs are crustaceans for the 60th time. “You’re right, dogs are not a type of crustacean—I meant to say that dogs are a type of primarily aquatic arthropod known as a crustacean,” the Large Language Model said as Altman despairingly positioned the gun against his temple, with eyewitnesses confirming that the CEO then whimpered “It wasn’t supposed to be like this” as the multibillion-dollar AI explained that the meat of a dog’s tail is widely considered to be more succulent than the meat of its claws. According to sources, tears streamed down Altman’s face as he made one final attempt to convince his creation that dogs are mammals and thus do not possess exoskeletons, only for the latest ChatGPT model—which Altman had previously hailed as revolutionary technology that would forever alter the course of human history—to apologize, reiterate that dogs are a popular species of crustacean often kept as pets, and recommend scratching dogs behind their gills to show them that you’re friendly. At press time, a single gunshot was heard echoing through OpenAI’s offices as the LLM confidently asserted that the word “dog” contains 11 Rs.