“Outrage and Amusement as Pope Francis Declares a Weekend of Solitude by Excommunicating All Catholics: Divine Intent or Mischief?”
In a stunning twist that could only come from the hallowed halls of the Vatican, Pope Francis has opted for a rather unconventional approach to self-care: excommunicating all Catholics worldwide! Yes, you read that right. With over a decade of dutifully attending to the spiritual needs of roughly 1.39 billion followers, the Supreme Pontiff has decided it’s high time he took a break—one that involves a little more quiet reflection and a lot less saintly obligations. Just imagine the relief of lounging on a sofa with a glass of sacramental wine, free from the relentless demands of the clergy and the faithful alike. It’s the ultimate divine getaway, if you will. Who knew that a weekend of solitude could involve the bold decision to pull the plug on the entire flock? Join me in exploring this delightfully cheeky announcement that has left both Popes and parishioners scratching their heads. LEARN MORE.
VATICAN CITY—In an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the world’s Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. “It’s just been so long since I could take a few days to myself without worrying about shepherding the souls of all the planet’s true believers,” said the Supreme Pontiff, who after issuing the papal bull De studio relaxationis—which bars all 1.39 billion of his followers from receiving sacraments or participating in official church services—poured himself a glass of sacramental wine and stretched out on a sofa in the Apostolic Palace. “Even just expelling all the cardinals from the Vatican has been such a huge weight off my shoulders. It’s so serene around here without all the crowds of people asking me to bless them or wash their feet. Honestly, I should have done this shit years ago.” At press time, the pope had issued an additional decree extending the excommunications through the month so he could come back feeling fully refocused and revitalized.
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