Panic at Starbase: What Elon Musk Did As Disaster Struck Will Shock You

Ever wonder what happens when Silicon Valley swagger meets a five-alarm existential crisis? Well, picture this: the flames are licking at the walls, chaos swirls, and lo and behold—Elon Musk’s sense of self-preservation has never been more…well, entrepreneurial. It’s honestly enough to make you question whether humanity’s survival hinges more on brains or on the size of one’s fortune cookie ego. As Starbase devolves into a dystopian bonfire hotter than Musk’s latest Twitter meltdown, our tech kingpin doesn’t exactly go down with the ship—unless you count shoving a 9-year-old out of the way as “leadership.” There’s a twisted symmetry here: the guy promising the future quite literally tripping over it to save himself. Want the real blow-by-blow of Musk’s flaming getaway (and maybe a few kicks while he’s at it)? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/ElonMuskPushesNIBIHA_GR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

STARBASE, TX—Screaming in terror as he rushed through the raging flames consuming his promised tech utopia, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly pushed aside a 9-year-old child Friday on his way to the escape pods as Starbase collapsed behind him. “Out of my fucking way, short stuff—geniuses first!” the entrepreneur said as he coughed in the smoke engulfing his crumbling city, kicked the stunned child for good measure, and asked a crowd of dying residents if they knew they were endangering the life of the most important man on the planet. “You see that right there? That’s my personal escape pod. If you people wanted one, you should have built it yourself. Sorry you all failed me. Enjoy hell!” Musk then admitted that he was also almost certainly the child’s father before launching his escape pod and fleeing to safety as a final explosion swallowed the city.