Parents Buy Stock for Child—But the Lesson Isn’t What You’d Expect

Have you ever wondered if teaching your kid the harsh reality of the stock market is the best way to say “I love you”? Because after reading about Marcus Aldaco’s brand of parental wisdom, I’m cracking up—and also nervously checking my portfolio. Instead of the typical dad-to-son advice (“Never run with scissors!” or “Eat your veggies!”), Marcus hands little Eddie a stock, already dipping faster than my interest in quarterly earnings calls, saying, “Son, welcome to the funhouse of financial ruin.” Forget piggy banks—this is financial literacy, raw and unfiltered, complete with wild-eyed optimism and, well, the gut punch of losing 11% before snack time. You’ve got to hand it to him—nothing says modern parenting like prepping your nine-year-old for an emotional roller coaster while simultaneously pulling your own retirement out for a reckless crypto joyride. Is this the ultimate act of tough love or just a bizarre initiation into adulthood? Who’s to say, but you can’t deny it’s unforgettable. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/ChildGivenFirstNIBG_PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE

HUNTINGTON, NY—Eagerly explaining to the 9-year-old that the investment was already down 11% since purchase, Marcus Aldaco reportedly gave his son Eddie his first stock Wednesday so the boy could learn early about losing everything. “I want Eddie to have a firm grasp of how to sink money into a hot stock and then get absolutely fucked by the market,” said Aldaco, who has lost nearly $80,000 by investing in high-risk stocks over the past five years. “Financial literacy is important, which is why I’m teaching him the ins and outs of buying prudent financial vehicles like options, futures, and meme stocks. My hope is that he’ll start using his allowance to go big on a speculative biotech firm that skyrockets before eventually going bust, leaving him absolutely devastated as he watches that ticker tumble downward. I wish my dad had taught me how to invest in volatile markets when I was little—I can only imagine where I’d be now.” Aldaco added that he hopes Eddie sees him as a financial role model and that he had recently pulled everything out of his 401(k) in order to invest in crypto.