Patriots Face Unexpected Fallout After Betting Big on Featherweight Linebacker’s Compelling Cover Letter
Ever have one of those moments where you catch yourself sitting in a boardroom, nodding along, and suddenly think, “Wait, did anybody here actually check if this guy’s done the job before?” Because nobody—and I mean nobody—wants to be the franchise that drafts a linebacker whose biggest tackle last season was probably a dangling participle in his AP English final . The New England Patriots, those masters of gridiron chess, apparently got swept off their collective feet by a cover letter and forgot to ask if, you know, their third-round pick could lift more than a box of printer paper . I mean, don’t get me wrong, passion and grit matter, but you probably need a bit more than a killer closing paragraph to face-plant an NFL fullback . Do résumés need headshots for scale now? If you’ve ever wondered what happens when HR gets to run the draft board, buckle up—this story is for you . LEARN MORE
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team was starting to regret drafting 130-pound linebacker Thurston Welles based exclusively on the strength of his cover letter. “Looking back, we should’ve probably checked to make sure he’d played Division I football or at the very least had some kind of proven track record as an athlete, but honestly, we were just blown away by that cover letter,” said Patriots general manager Eliot Wolf, adding that the undersized defender’s self-described passion, attention to detail, comfort in team settings, and background in AP English initially made him seem like a no-brainer for the team’s third-round pick. “Should we have looked into his 40 time, or his bench press reps, or whether he was taller than 5-foot-4? Yes, it’s clear now we should’ve. But man, if you’d read his paragraph about seeing challenges as opportunities, you’d hire him, too.” At press time, team sources confirmed that Welles would be sidelined two to four weeks after sustaining a concussion while attempting to tackle a blocking sled.
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