“Peanut Butter: The Contraband of Dieters”

Have you ever pondered what it’s really like when someone says they’re “going on a diet?” Picture this: a seemingly innocuous quest to lose weight that, instead, turns our local hero, Anna Garner, into a culinary Pablo Escobar. She’s not just measuring out Portion sizes, she’s embarking on a perilous journey through the jungle of calorie counting, where Jiff Peanut Butter is the potent drug of choice. Okay, it’s not exactly the stuff cartels fight over, but in the world of dieting, it might as well be. From the serene landscapes of Maryville, TN, comes this semi-sweet saga of struggle and surrender where Anna , in true Ellen DeGeneres fashion, navigates life’s hilarious ironies like a pro. Now, peel yourself away from this chuckle and ask yourself, aren’t we all just junkies to something in disguise?

Are you dieting too? Then watch out for these buttery bandits and learn how to manage your cravings LEARN MORE.

MARYVILLE, TN—Relying on a precise measurement as though a slight miscalculation could be lethal, local woman Anna Gardner, who is said to be on a diet, reportedly weighed out peanut butter Thursday like it was hard drugs. Several reports indicated that Garner precisely laid a dollop of the Jif peanut butter onto a kitchen scale and removed the excess with a knife to make sure it was the right amount as if she were portioning out a Schedule I substance that she planned to sling to junkies on the streets. According to sources, upon licking a bit of the peanut spread off the knife’s blade, Gardner let out a sigh of pleasure and said “That’s the stuff” in the manner of a notorious drug lord who, after testing out the purity of her product, runs the knife across her own cheek and mutters “I’m loco.” At press time, reports confirmed a blissful Garner was passed out on the couch with an empty glass of peanut butter and banana smoothie by her side like a woman strung out on black tar heroin.