“Pentagon’s Controversial Move: What Weak Jawlines Reveal About National Security?”

In a move that might leave you wondering if you accidentally stumbled into a bizarre body-building competition, the Pentagon has decided to adopt a rather unique criterion for its workforce: the jawline. Yes, you heard that right! Forget experience, skills, or qualifications—what really matters now is whether your chin can “cut glass.” With Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth leading the charge, all employees are being scrutinized under protractors as the military seeks to fortify not just national security, but also jaw strength. Apparently, soft features are now equated with softness in resolve. So, brace yourselves: if you’re sporting a jawline reminiscent of a Venus flytrap, you might want to start packing your bags—or at least start chewing some serious jaw-enhancing gum. And in a move that’s sure to raise eyebrows, let’s just say that the women in the department have been given a rather abrupt pink slip—because, naturally, who’s got time for inclusivity when we need a fortress of unwavering masculinity? If this sounds too outrageous to be reality, you’re not alone. Want to dive deeper into this jaw-dropping announcement? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/PentagonCutsAll-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

ARLINGTON, VA—Arguing that the move would allow the government agency to present a united front against threats to national security, the Pentagon announced Monday that it was cutting all employees with weak jawlines. “We’re committed to enforcing the highest standards within the Defense Department, which is why we’re now requiring everyone who works here to have a chin that can cut glass,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who explained that his teams were already circulating throughout the Pentagon with protractors to ensure all jawlines met a strict 90-degree-angle criterion. “The Biden-imposed DEI guidelines that encouraged round jaws and baby faces have jeopardized the safety of American citizens. Our enemies know we’re weak when they see those doughy cheeks. So if your face doesn’t look like it was carved from stone, start packing your bags. And of course, it should go without saying that all women in the department are fired.” Hegseth added that any noncompliant employees who wished to retain their jobs would be issued jaw-enhancing gum and mewing instructions and given 30 days to hit minimum standards.