“Race Against Time: Judge Orders Trump Administration to Secure Release from El Salvador Prison Within 72 Hours!”

In a bizarre twist worthy of a satirical screenplay, U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis finds herself kicking back in a Salvadoran prison instead of her courtroom, all thanks to a colossal bureaucratic blunder. Imagine getting mistaken for a gang member when you’re actually a Yale-educated judge—who thought that kind of script only lived in the realm of exaggerated comedy? Well, it seems reality has its own peculiar sense of humor. After decrying her deportation as “wholly lawless,” Xinis is not just sitting idly; she’s demanding her swift return to the United States, asserting her rights with the gravitas of someone wielding a gavel—albeit one made of air. Sounds crazy? That’s because it is! And while we’re all left scratching our heads, the Attorney General is busy backing the very agents who put her on this unlikely path. Buckle up; this story is only getting started! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/JudgeGivesTrump_Administration-NIB-PH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

GREENBELT, MD—Decrying the deportation as “wholly lawless,” U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration had three days to return her to the United States from a Salvadoran prison or face contempt of court charges. “Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents had no legal basis upon which to send me, a U.S. citizen and federal official, to one of the most notorious prisons in the Western Hemisphere,” said Xinis, banging on the walls of her cell in a controversial holding facility in Tecoluca, El Salvador, where she was sent on the basis of an “administrative error” that classified the Yale Law School graduate and sitting judge as a suspected member of the MS-13 gang. “Therefore, I am calling on the Department of Justice to return me to my home in Maryland at once. Using my finger as a gavel, I hereby decree that you must undo your grave error and send a plane or whatever to help me out. Anyone hear me? Please? I said three days, but I admit I’m having trouble keeping track of time in here. Hello? I said I decree it.” At press time, Attorney General Pam Bondi publicly defended ICE’s decision to shut Xinis up.