Revealed: Shocking Confessions From Prince Andrew in The Onion’s Jaw-Dropping Exclusive Interview
Ever wonder what happens when a royal falls from grace and lands face-first into a flaming pit of their own denial? Same. The British monarchy, possibly bored or maybe just realizing it’s frowned upon to have princes with that many skeletons in the closet, has started to distance itself from Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. It’s all very Shakespearean—if Shakespeare liked Cava and seemed vaguely confused by every question. I honestly can’t get over how surreal it must feel to swap velvet-lined privilege for, what, the soul-crushing reality of job hunting? Parade watcher—now there’s a LinkedIn endorsement waiting to happen. There’s almost an art to how Andrew dodges accountability with punchlines so dry you’d need a royal decree just to crack a smile. If you’re not asking, “Could this get any stranger?”—trust me, it absolutely does. If you’re as morbidly curious as I am (and honestly, who isn’t at this point?), you’ll want to dig in right here: LEARN MORE
The British royal family is under pressure to remove Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor from its line of succession. The Onion sat down with the former prince to discuss his arrest and connection to Jeffrey Epstein.
The Onion : Any reaction to the accusations against you?
Mountbatten-Windsor: On advice of counsel, I can only state that my name is Andrew, and I am a multicellular life form.
What’s been the hardest part of losing your royal status?
They used to do a big Cava order for everyone on Thursdays. Always thought that was a nice perk.
How would you respond to people who accuse you of being part of a corrupt, predatory cabal of elites?
I didn’t choose to be born into the royal family.
Do you have anything to say to the victims?
Sorry, but you guys aren’t my type anymore.
What would you say to Jeffrey Epstein if he were alive today?
Help.
Without the support of the royal family, how will you make money?
I’ll probably have to get a normal job like parade watcher or big game hunter.
What’s next for you?
I simply intend to lie low, take each day as it comes, and die under suspicious circumstances.
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