Revealed: The Shocking Deportation Plan Stephen Miller Pushed—And Why DHS Says Things Could Be Worse

Has anyone ever handed you a flaming bag of garbage and told you, “Hey, don’t worry, it could’ve been a bag filled with live scorpions and expired mayonnaise”? Well, that’s basically what this article feels like . Staring at that stiffly-lit press photo of the Department of Homeland Security flanked by flags, you can practically hear the uncomfortable shuffling as officials try to rebrand their bruising new immigration crackdown as… well, a benevolent mercy, compared to whatever fever-dream torture plans Stephen Miller had cooking . I mean, how low does the bar actually go when you’re selling forced deportation to South Sudan as the “friendly” option? It’s one of those situations where DHS seems desperate for a trophy just for not unleashing hedge clippers and car batteries—if that’s not the most chilling backhanded compliment in government history, I don’t know what is . But before you duck behind the nearest sofa out of existential terror (because apparently policy meetings now come with blueprints for war crimes), clear your mind, take a sarcastic breath, and get ready for a peek into the twisted logic that makes “cruel” feel positively cuddly by comparison . I’ll let you decide if DHS deserves applause, or just… a different kind of Peace Prize . <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/DHSSudanNIBGPH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Describing the plan it went ahead with as “absolutely toothless” by comparison, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Thursday saying the deportation of migrants to South Sudan seemed a lot more humane once you knew what White House adviser Stephen Miller had wanted to do. “Critics can argue that deporting migrants from Vietnam, Myanmar, and Cuba to the war-torn nation of South Sudan qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment, but my God, if you had heard Stephen Miller’s 12-point plan for physically and mentally abusing these people, you’d want to give us the Nobel Peace Prize,” said DHS spokesman Dylan Fontano, claiming that the barbarity of forcibly removing migrants to countries with which they have no connection had to be weighed against the horrific and depraved drawings and blueprints that Miller had initially presented to the agency. “Quite frankly, when we heard what Stephen wanted to do, many of us vomited. We tried talking him out of some of his more ghoulish suggestions, but he stormed out of the room, furious that the migrants would remain alive and there would be no corpses to desecrate. All I’ll say is just be glad our immigration policy doesn’t involve hedge clippers or a jury-rigged car battery.” At press time, a more open DHS was said to be revisiting many of Stephen Miller’s most grisly proposals.