Revealed: Why Mike Johnson Says His Faith Focuses on Abstinence Over Altruism
Ever wonder why, when it comes to public displays of piety, some politicians treat their faith like an Olympic sport—except instead of medals, they’re out there competing for Most Virtuous Abstainer? I mean, if feeding the poor was actually trending, would half of Congress suddenly show up at soup kitchens with GoPros strapped to their chests? In a spiritual plot twist that’ll make you spit out your coffee (or maybe clutch your pearls), The Onion spotlights Mike Johnson and his, well, “divine” priorities. Apparently, the secret to salvation is less about loaves and fishes and more about, uh, idle hands staying very, very idle . Trust me, this story hits somewhere between jaw-dropping and oddly relatable—if your internet history has ever made you rethink your hobbies. Ready for a read that juggles satire, politics, and a little (un)holy introspection? LEARN MORE
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