RFK Jr. Claims Human Body Holds Secret Alchemical Power to Turn Lead Into Gold

Ever stare at a lead pipe and think, “Am I missing out on the elixir of youth?” No? Well, according to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.—yes, the gray-lipped, headline-hugging HHS secretary himself—maybe you should give it a second thought. Apparently, we’ve all been queueing up at the pharmacy like lemmings when the REAL miracle cure is lurking in your nearest plumber’s toolbox. If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if alchemy, medical advice, and a touch of ‘what’s that in his mouth?’ collided at a Washington press conference, you’re in luck. Hold onto your pipes (don’t swallow, please) and dive headlong into this hilarious and slightly concerning tale of how eating lead might just turn YOU into gold—move over, King Midas! LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press conference Wednesday during which he touted the body’s natural ability to transmute lead into gold. “The human body is able to do some incredible things if you consume enough lead,” said the secretary of health and human services, noting that even a few drops of colloidal lead every morning could have an effect similar to that produced by the elixirs ancient Egyptians drank for rejuvenation. “Once inside you, lead undergoes a natural transformation, creating one of the most valuable medicines in the world. I figure at this point my body is at least 50% gold. I’m more energetic, and gold never corrodes, so you can basically live forever.” Kennedy concluded his remarks by swallowing a lead pipe whole and then regurgitating a single gold nugget.

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