RFK Jr. Claims Secret to Peak Health Lies in Transforming Into an Eel

Ever woken up, looked in the mirror, and thought, “Hey, what’s really missing here is a glistening yellow-green mucous sheen and the abject absence of arms and legs”? No? Me neither… but apparently, according to the latest out-of-nowhere White House press conference, we’ve all just been living a lie, eating “agricultural garbage,” and holding onto our beloved limbs like heretics. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.—who, from the looks of that photo, just slipped out of his own private eco-friendly tide pool—has declared that true health is found somewhere between an eel’s sinuous silhouette and a conspiracy-laden rant about “Big Pharma” and her coven of preservative pushers. Personally, I can’t remember the last time I envied a moray’s love life, but now I’m thinking: with the right diet of sea urchins and a government ban on vision correction, could we all one day wriggle our way to enlightenment—and, dare I say it, better bedroom performance? If you’ve ever wondered what the human race would look like if our evolutionary model was “slippery tubes forever,” this article is going to send your synapses wriggling. LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Suddenly appearing at the lectern after emerging from a hole in the floor, a limbless, slippery Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced at a White House press conference Friday that “becoming an eel is a sign of good health.” “Big Pharma may have brainwashed people to think otherwise, but a healthy human body should be one long, even tube with a fin running down its back,” said the health and human services secretary, who warned that the average American child is now so full of chemicals and preservatives that they no longer secrete enough protective mucus to cover their skin. “Humans have been getting sicker and sicker ever since modern medicine convinced us we need arms and legs. In fact, if we were eating a proper diet of insects, mollusks, and sea urchins instead of this agricultural garbage, we wouldn’t need all these vaccines. You look at the ocean, and there is no autism in there. It’s not conspiratorial thinking to put two and two together. I mean, people are so big these days they can barely slither into a crevasse or burrow in the sand to hide from predators. You might think this yellow-green, slimy skin is a bad sign, but I’ve never felt better—and I’ve never performed better in the bedroom either.” Kennedy added that he would be rescinding all government approval for glasses and contacts, saying healthy people should be able to navigate waterways using their sense of smell.