“RFK Jr.’s Shocking Live Surgery: The Bizarre Reason He Removed a Big Mac from His Stomach!”
In an unexpected turn of events that feels ripped straight from a dark comedy script, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. took matters into his own hands—literally—after a rather unfortunate dining experience on President-elect Donald Trump’s private jet. Picture this: he’s sweating bullets and dealing with the aftermath of a Big Mac-induced crisis. I mean, who knew a fast-food burger could evoke such a visceral response? As Kennedy preps for an emergency self-surgery to extract the offending meal, one can’t help but wonder—are we really at a point where self-operating surgical procedures are an acceptable treatment for a fast-food craving gone wrong? It’s a bizarre tale of one man’s determination to reclaim his digestive sovereignty, complete with a bottle of raw milk and a sharp scalpel. This audacious scene begs the question: what’s next on the menu for a health policy guru—surgery or a salad? <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/RFKJrCutsNIBIHA-GR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.
NEW YORK—After being forced to eat McDonald’s on the private jet of President-elect Donald Trump, a visibly sweaty Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly performed surgery on himself this weekend to extract a Big Mac from his stomach. “I have to cut the McDonald’s out before it attacks my other organs,” said the nominee for secretary of health and human services, taking a big swig from a bottle of raw milk to calm his nerves, dumping the rest of it onto his stomach to sterilize the incision point, and then biting down on his belt to mute his own screams as he dragged a scalpel across his skin. “I can feel it spreading—I must work quickly. It’s vital that I retrieve every last sesame seed from inside my digestive tract before I succumb to the poison. Even the lettuce has been tainted by the oils and must be removed.” At press time, reports confirmed Kennedy had brought the scalpel up to his heart after learning the special sauce had entered his bloodstream.
