RFK Jr. Shocks Crowd by Urging Public to Experience His Mysterious Open Wound
So here’s a fun little riddle for your immune system: Would you rather face a raging infection with nothing but misguided hope, or dive finger-first into Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s freshly unveiled chest wound? Oh, the eternal debate—Pfizer or pus! I’ll be honest, I’ve seen SEO strategies less desperate than this, and that’s saying something after years of digital trench warfare . Gutsy doesn’t even begin to describe it; we’re talking about a man peddling his own bodily fluids, like a carnival barker who flunked out of med school and majored in “Trust Me, Bro.”
As a humor blogger (and not-so-secret germaphobe), my feelings are swirling between morbid curiosity and the uncontrollable urge to drown my hands in sanitizer forever . Seriously, if you’ve ever questioned whether society is totally off the rails, this headline is Exhibit A . I mean, who knew herd immunity required a literal herd, close quarters, and somebody’s crusty chest wound? If you think that’s wild, just wait until you get a load of the CDC’s latest “at-home science” projects .
Ready to let this unforgettable public health campaign burrow under your skin, metaphorically (or… literally, if you RSVP)? Get all the oozy details straight from the source right here: LEARN MORE.
WASHINGTON—Establishing new federal guidelines for disease prevention as he moves to restrict public access to a number of vaccines, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. launched a campaign to promote natural immunity Tuesday by inviting Americans to touch his festering sore. “Endless vaccines are no longer necessary to achieve immunity now that everybody can come into contact with this throbbing, open sore on my chest,” said Kennedy, who has claimed there is no evidence that routinely administered injections are more effective than the pus oozing from a gaping wound in his flesh when it comes to warding off illness. “It is now the official recommendation of the CDC that at-risk groups allow my putrid discharge to seep into their own immune systems through their contaminated hands, helping the body naturally build defenses against whatever the hell is making it all crusty like that. For thousands of years, humans have fought off infection through environmental exposure to gurgling yellow, green, and brown fluids that erupt from neglected lacerations just like this one, despite what Big Pharma and their superfluous shots and bandages might lead you to believe. Rest assured, access to my bacteria-ridden secretions will remain open for as long as it takes to reach herd immunity.” Kennedy also recommended that anyone over the age of 65 rub some of the grosser stuff in their eyeballs to make it work faster.
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