Scandalous Secrets and Slicked-Back Hair: The Bizarre Rockabilly Rulers Ancient Egypt Tried to Bury

I have to admit, I never imagined we’d ever have to ask the question: just how embarrassing can ancient history get? But here we are, staring at the kind of discovery that would make even a mummy blush beneath their wrappings . Who knew the golden sands of Egypt could hide not just lost tombs and forgotten pharaohs, but… Rockabilly hairstyles and poodle skirts? If you ever thought high school yearbook photos were mortifying, wait ’til you see the pompadours on these ancient fertility idols . And between us—do you think Pharaoh Jeepers Creepers IV ever regretted those leather jackets? As it turns out, the cringe we experience at our own teenage faux pas may, in fact, be timeless . History isn’t just written by the victors—it’s cringed at by everyone who comes after . Intrigued? Prepare for a wild ride into one of antiquity’s most groan-worthy eras. <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/ArcheologistsDiscoverNIBIHAGR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

CAIRO—In what many are calling the most cringe discovery of the century, a team of archaeologists reportedly uncovered evidence this week of a completely embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly dynasty. “While excavating an area around the Valley of the Kings, we were able to unearth tombs containing artifacts that appear to date from a long-forgotten and groan-inducing dynasty centered around a reverence for Rockabilly,” said lead researcher Dr. Donovan Tilly, explaining that the sight represented a treasure trove of incredibly lame fertility idols with intact pompadours, hieroglyphs depicting high priestesses attending ceremonial sock hops in poodle skirts, and pin-up mummies with winged eyeliner and bright-red lipstick. “It’s obvious from looking at the painfully uncool leather jackets from the reign of Pharaoh Jeepers Creepers IV why the ancient Egyptians felt the need to bury the pathetic artifacts so deep underground. These large belt buckles emblazoned with images of the sun deity Ra shed new light on one of the most mortifying periods of antiquity.” At press time, clay pomade vessels and other ancient Rockabilly relics were handed over to the Egyptian government to ensure their destruction.