Sean Combs Pushes for Rapid Trial Amid Speculation of Secret Trump Pardon Deal

Is anyone else out there nostalgic for the days when courtroom drama meant Matlock and not “Diddy fast-tracking his pardon paperwork”? Because I swear, if the legal system moves any faster, we’ll be hosting drive-thru trials. Here’s Sean “Diddy” Combs, a man apparently so busy he’d rather skip straight to his presidential pardon—like skipping the salad and going right for the cheesecake, except, you know, the cheesecake is a public Oval Office photo op with a Bad Boy Records jersey. Somewhere between the allegations and the offers of presidential swag, you’ve got to ask: at what point did American justice start to resemble the rewards tier of a VIP nightclub? If you’re wondering whether the judge kept a straight face, you’d be surprised—let’s just say silence has rarely sounded quite so stunned. Curious where reality ends and satire begins? Brace yourself, because this is truly one for the legal history books… <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/05/SeanCombsNIBPHG.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

NEW YORK—Insisting that they were all busy people with things to do, Sean “Diddy” Combs reportedly asked a U.S. district court judge for a quick trial Tuesday so that he could just get to the part where President Trump pardons him. “With all due respect, your honor, can we skip some of the preamble and jump to when Trump gets all these sex trafficking and racketeering charges thrown out?” said the disgraced rap mogul, interrupting a federal prosecutor’s statement in order to stress that it would really be better for all parties if they put aside any allegations of rape or physical abuse that were going to be reversed by a stroke of the president’s pen anyway. “There’s no need to draw this out. Let’s just cut to the chase. If it’s helpful, I’m happy to go do a photo op in the Oval Office today thanking the president and handing him a Bad Boy Records jersey.” After Combs’ statement, the judge was said to have sat in stunned silence for a full minute before admitting the defendant did have a point.