Secret Files on Jesus’s Crucifixion Unveiled by New Pope—What Are They Hiding?

Just when you thought the Vatican had run out of plot twists, here comes Pope Leo XIV, eyes twinkling and dossiers in hand, ready to turn two millennia of biblical “case closed” into a cold-case podcast binge . I mean, how often does a pope wake up, check his papal to-do list, and decide, “Let’s declassify the Jesus Crucifixion Documents today”—like the Watergate tapes, but with more sandals and probably less Nixon . Am I the only one picturing a press conference with ancient scrolls, suspicious squints, and a nervous-looking Roman centurion in the back? Suddenly, history’s shadiest figures are back in the headlines: was Judas just a hapless fall guy in a much bigger scheme? Did Mary Magdalene have a rock-solid alibi? Who really swung the spear—and why does it feel like we’re all about to witness history’s most dramatic FOIA release? Honestly, if there’s ever been a moment to brush up on your biblical conspiracy theories, it’s now—who knows what holy secrets are about to drop? One thing’s for sure: the snake in Eden might finally get his day in the sun … and honestly, he’s waited long enough . <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/NewPopeNIBGPH.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

VATICAN— In an effort to bring openness and transparency to his role as supreme pontiff, Pope Leo XIV vowed Friday that “the truth will finally be revealed” as he issued an order fully declassifying the Church’s Jesus Crucifixion Documents. “Ever since Christ was executed in broad daylight in the middle of Golgotha, questions have swirled about the mysterious circumstances surrounding his death, but no longer,” said the Bishop Of Rome, confirming that hundreds of unredacted pages of biblical apocrypha could finally provide credence to the so-called “second stabber” theory that suggested there were multiple Romans that day plunging their spears into Christ’s side. “Of course, Judas Iscariot has historically been blamed for the whole thing, but what if he was just a patsy? Isn’t it just a little too convenient that he ‘hanged himself’ immediately after the crucifixion, meaning no one could ask him what really happened? And what was Mary Magdalene doing there that day when she was scheduled to be in Galilee? Once you begin pulling at this thread, bigger and bigger questions emerge: Was it even really Jesus Christ who emerged from the cave after three days, or did the Roman leaders make a swap at the last second with another resurrected dead person? Reasonable people have been questioning these inconsistencies for centuries, and it’s long past time that we finally had a definitive answer.” The pope added that his next official act would be to clear the name of the snake who was nothing more than a fall guy for the dangerous power brokers running Eden.