Secret Rivalries and Old Grudges: Which Cardinals Will Spark Drama at the Next Conclave?

Let’s be honest—if you get a group of cardinals together in Vatican City and expect them to focus only on centuries-old tradition, you’re dreaming . Just picture it: silk, scarlet, a whisper here, a knowing sideways glance there… and apparently, more than a bit of heavily veiled gossip about who’s been hitting the dessert tray since 2013 . Isn’t it oddly comforting to know that, behind the scenes of the sacred conclave, there’s still room for a little good old-fashioned cattiness? I can’t help but wonder—if these spiritual heavyweights are fretting about which cassock will fit, maybe we can all relax next time we eat that third cannoli. Scroll on for a peek inside the sauciest side of papal succession the world may never see—because sometimes, even the holiest among us just want to know who’s pulling off a “glow-up.” LEARN MORE.

VATICAN CITY—Barely containing his excitement for the selection of the next pope to begin, admittedly catty Cardinal Rubén Salazar Gómez confirmed Monday that he couldn’t wait to see who had gotten fat since the last conclave. “I know this is super bitchy, but I am basically only excited about the conclave to see who got chunky since last time,” said the Colombian prelate, snickering with his friends as they gossiped about which of their colleagues was most likely to have “let himself go” since the last time the College of Cardinals met to elect a pope, in 2013. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m appreciative of the opportunity to help mold the future of the Catholic Church, but I’m 95% only doing this to see who’s hot and who’s not. Remember that one archbishop from Brazil? He was just so smug about his ‘fitness journey,’ always commenting on what the rest of us took from the buffet—it would be so satisfying if he showed up all bloated in vestments the size of a circus tent. I know, that’s terrible of me to say, but come on! Gluttony is a sin. By the way, I wonder if his low-budget hair plugs ever took.” At press time, the group of holy men were reportedly heard speculating that Cardinal Luis Antonio Gokim Tagle had had a total glow-up since last time.