“Secrets of Succession: Cardinals Mark Their Territory on Vatican Treasures Ahead of Pope Francis’ Uncertain Future”

In a move that makes you wonder if Vatican City has turned into a bizarre cross between a garage sale and a reality show, the cardinals are apparently putting their names on the church’s most coveted holy relics ahead of Pope Francis’ departure—whenever that may be. You’d think they’d be focusing on prayers or, I dunno, the moral high ground, but nope! Instead, they’re slapping stickers on everything from fragments of the true cross to the infamous shroud like they’re at a yard sale, hoping to snag the best of the bunch before the competition gets too fierce. I mean, who knew that the Vatican had such a cutthroat artifact claim process? His Eminence Giovanni Battista Re was practically sweating bullets over the crown of thorns and that pesky holy foreskin! It’s almost a free-for-all! So, how far are these cardinals willing to go for sacred souvenirs? Let’s dive into this eyebrow-raising endeavor that feels more competitive than a Black Friday sale! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/CardinalsBeginNIBIHAGR-copy.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

VATICAN CITY—With many remarking that they’d had their eyes on the holy artifacts since they first saw them, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church reportedly began placing stickers this week on the Vatican relics they wanted when Pope Francis dies. “I’ll take these fragments of the true cross, I’ll take St. Peter’s bones, and before someone else claims it, I’ll take the Shroud of Turin,” said His Eminence Giovanni Battista Re, dean of the College of Cardinals, who placed an adhesive red dot onto the Veil of Veronica and remarked that it would bring a much needed pop of color to his otherwise drab bedroom. “Honestly, Pope Francis and I already talked about my inheritance, but I don’t want to miss out on the good stuff like I did when John Paul died. There’s no way Cardinal Mamberti is getting his grubby little hands on my crown of thorn fragments. Or my favorite, the holy foreskin.” At press time, Cardinal Re was kicking himself after a fellow prelate had beaten him to the punch and placed a sticker on the Holy Lance.