“Secrets of the Shimmering Green: Why One Leprechaun Hat Stayed Home While the Party Raged On!”

Is it even possible to fully embrace the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day without risking the well-being of your prized oversized leprechaun hat? Meet Tim Fitzpatrick—a local gentleman who’s decided that his emerald velvet crown, complete with a flashy golden buckle, is just too special to endure a night out. As he weighs the joys of celebrating at McKiernan’s against the perils of potential hat mishaps, we find ourselves pondering a thought-provoking question: How far will one go to protect their holiday headgear? Grab a drink, and let’s dive into Tim’s zany dilemma! <a href="https://theonion.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/GiantLeprechaunHat-NIB-IHA-GR.jpg”>LEARN MORE.

CLEVELAND—Concluding that the rewards simply weren’t worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he would leave his oversized leprechaun hat at home on St. Patrick’s Day to avoid damaging it. “Obviously, it’d be a dream to live it up at McKiernan’s with this thing on my head, but I’d just hate to see the brim get all bent out of shape,” said the 39-year-old, who cited concerns about wear and tear ruining the crown, emerald velvet fabric, or large golden buckle among his justifications for leaving behind the holiday-themed novelty hat. “I’m just going to wear one of my other smaller leprechaun hats. If someone asks to try one of those on and stretches out the sweatband, they can go wild. Hell, go ahead and steal it. I don’t mind. But not my big leprechaun hat. That’s special.” Fitzpatrick added that he had learned his lesson after a spilled beer forced him to throw out his favorite green-tassel and shamrock-embroidered glitter vest back in 2023.