Shock Move: New U.S. Citizenship Test Threatens Jail Time—Are You at Risk?

Ever wake up in a cold sweat, wondering if you’ve checked off enough boxes to qualify as “American”? Think you’re ready to pass that infamous citizenship test, as long as you can rattle off a few U.S. presidents and spell Mississippi? Well, hold onto your apple pie—because apparently, basic knowledge and language skills are for amateurs now . Ladies and gentlemen, the White House just dropped a bombshell: The new path to the American dream is paved by four years behind bars . Yes, you heard it right. Four. Years. Can we just take a moment to reflect on how far we’ve fallen from “give us your tired, your poor”? Now it’s “give us your shackled, your cellmates, yearning for parole.” Sometimes, it honestly feels like the process for becoming an American is less about freedom and more about discovering just how absurd the system can get… while you’re locked in some remote, government-mandated escape room . If you’ve ever wondered whether citizenship should come with a complimentary orange jumpsuit, you’re about to get your answer. The joke, as always, is on all of us—so buckle up! LEARN MORE.

WASHINGTON—Stating that the country’s naturalization process was “highly outdated,” White House officials announced Thursday that the U.S. citizenship test would now include a four-year imprisonment section. “Starting this month, all prospective citizens must complete a portion of the exam in which they will be forcibly detained, denied a fair trial, and locked in a cell,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, adding that applicants would be required to report to a U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services field office to be handcuffed and thrown into the back of an unmarked van, which would then take them to a remote detention facility where they would be held until at least 2028. “While we still value the civics and language portions of our exam, we believe U.S. citizens should also have a deep understanding of the carceral state. Being approached by a masked man, whisked off the street, and disappeared for years is part of being an American. If they somehow get out of prison alive, they’ll prove they’ve earned it.” Reached for further comment, Noem said that anyone looking to bypass the imprisonment section of the citizenship test could self-deport at any time.