Shocked Citizen Discovers Bizarre New Digital Hurdle in Secret Dealings With President

Ever miss the good old days when bribing elected officials required a trench coat, a shadowy parking garage, and nerves of steel? Apparently, those covert missions have gone the way of the floppy disk—now even a corrupt transaction comes with a user agreement longer than the Bible and push notifications about “exciting new bribery incentives.” I mean, have we really reached the point where greasing the president’s palm demands a system update, a crypto wallet, and a healthy disregard for your personal data privacy? There’s something both hilariously tragic and disturbingly relatable about Ben Tormos’ struggle—a man who just wants to make the world a little more dishonest, without having to delete Candy Crush or accidentally let the Chinese government peek into his camera roll. Is this the future democracy deserves, or just the world’s worst fintech startup pitch? LEARN MORE.

MIAMI—Groaning as he scrolled through the terms and conditions and agreed to hold the platform harmless in the event of a financial loss, local man Ben Tormos told reporters Monday that he couldn’t believe he had to download a stupid app just to bribe the president. “Why can’t bribing the president be as straightforward as doing a dead drop of a briefcase in a parking garage like it used to be?” said Tormos, complaining that he had to link his bank account to a cryptocurrency exchange and make space on his phone by deleting some of the apps he used to bribe other world leaders and public officials. “What do you mean I have to ‘create a wallet’ and convert all my funds into special tokens? This was supposed to make kickbacks simple and streamlined, but it’s just a headache. Christ, I don’t want push notifications informing me about new opportunities to funnel money to the president and his family.” At press time, Tormos’ phone was reportedly glitching as a result of the Chinese spyware that came with the app.